Senseless, p.5
Senseless, page 5
Beth took Barn e y’s lead so that he could walk in front of them and then, having positioned herself in front of Paula, who put her hands on Beth’s shoulders, the two of them walked in single file through the busy café . Helpful people moved chairs out of the way, some with that annoying frozen smile of sympathy that Beth seemed to see so often when she was with Paula , a look she was glad that Paula herself probably missed.
Beth found some free seats and arranged them so that Paula was looking directly at her . Barn e y lay down calmly under the table.
*
When the coffees arrived , together with the brownie , already halved and on two plates, Paula signed :
I have something to ask you.
What?
Donna and I have booked to go on a horse – riding break next weekend …
Great .
… But Donna can’t make it now as the football team she coaches got through to the cup final. She needs to be here for them. We didn’t think they’d get through…
Oh, that’s great for the team but a shame for you.
… So I was wondering, Paula continued in rapid signing, if you could come on the holiday as my PA? It’s all paid for and you work on a Saturday anyway so you can work less hours for a few weeks afterwards to get back the hours you’re owed.
Horse riding?
Yes, RDA : I go locally once a week. But this is a riding weekend in the Lakes.
It should be fine. Hang on, let me check…
Beth scrolled through her handset and b r ought up her e-diary , although she already knew she had nothing on. In fact , she’d love to be busy over her birthday weekend.
Yes, I’m free. It was too late now, she’d said it,so the doubts she knew she’d have would need to be ignored. I’ve never ridden a horse.
Well, you can always walk with us instead of riding or not come on the treks at all.
Would you need me on the treks for communication?
Probably not when we’re riding ; me and Donna have been before. The couple who run the place didn’t sign then but we taught them a little and they try very hard. It was brilliant there. It said beginners welcome so you might find you like riding if you try it. You never know .
Beth sincerely doubted it, but Paula was still signing fast and was looking excited :
Great, thank you. Donna will be pleased as she was worried it would mean I would miss it too .
Beth felt glad to help , and glad to have been asked: it meant that Paula must have accepted her.
Chapter 11
Beth, Saturday Evening
Although exhausted by the time she got home , Beth was buoyed up by the sense that Paula really did have trust in her .
It was only after food and a few glasses of wine that she felt ready to ring her dad. His mobile was switched off so she tried the landline number.
On the fifth ring, a woman picked up.
‘Si?’
‘Vivien? It’s me.’ Talking to Vivien wasn’t the plan so the only thing Beth could think to say was ‘ c ongratulations’ .
‘Who is this?’
‘It’s Beth.’
There was a pause but Beth could hear whispering.
‘Is my dad there?’
‘Yes … erm … I mean no … he’s gone out.’ Beth heard more rustling , which could have been the sound of someone scribbling notes.
‘Will he be long?’
‘I don’t know , Beth. Sorry, the baby’s crying, I’ll have to go. I’ll ask your dad to ring you.’
Beth strained to hear a baby’s cries but failed to hear anything except what sounded like her dad , shushing it.
She hung up and tasted bile in her mouth. How could she have been so stupid as to think anything other than that would happen?
So much for feeling on top of things – how could she when the world was so much against her? As if to reinforce her feelings of uselessness and inadequacy, the TV news headlines were announcing war, bombs, debt crisis and poverty. Suddenly, everything was closing in on her again and tears were pricking her eyes.
Fighting to stay in control, she searched for something, anything , to keep her from falling into the familiar pit of despair. Her mind b r ought her back to Paula and her promise to email details of the riding holiday.
Even that thought made her stomach turn over . Why in hell had she agreed to it so glibly?
She did switch on her laptop , though : perhaps photos of the place would help?
There was no email from Paula but there was one from nostrings.
Exciting news!! Billybear sent you a message at 17.45!
Logging into the site she read :
Hello Sweetmusic, let’s make sweet music! Xx
It was getting on for seven , but she typed hurriedly :
Are you there Billybear ? x
She already felt her stomach twist and the powerful surge of wanting.
Waiting , and desperately hoping that he was still around, she scrolled through his profile , learning little , other th a n his love of pizza, holding hands and snuggling in front of the TV.
A message pinged :
Hi Sweetmusic!! Yes I am here! Waiting for you! Do you want me? Xx
Yes.
Then you can have me! What is your address?? xx
She gave it to him blithely.
See you in 20! Xxxxxxxxxx
And that was that . Beth ran upstairs to change and clean her teeth. Just as she was wiping toothpaste from her chest the doorbell rang. Billybear looked much like his profile picture, which was a nice change from most of the men she met this way.
He came in and closed the door.
‘Are we alone?’ he asked , as if expect ing otherwise.
‘Yes.’
‘Good . ’
He reached for her immediately and they started to kiss. His lips were cold at first and he bit her lip slightly.
‘Upstairs!’ He whispered urgently, already fumbling for his belt. ‘Get upstairs.’
When she fell on her bed he pulled off her trousers and knickers and began to kiss the inside of her ankles; licking, biting and kissing his way up her calves, her thighs and finally, finally between her legs.
‘Do you like this , Sweetmusic? Do you? Do you? Do you want more? Shall I give it to you? Do you want it from Daddy? Ask D addy!’
Beth was too far gone to feel anything but lust – what he was doing was glorious.
‘Yes!’ she said.
‘Yes what?’
‘I want more. Please!
‘Ask Daddy !’
His fingers replaced his tongue as he crawled next to her on the bed and deftly put on a condom with his other hand.
‘Do you want it? Say it! Ask Daddy!’
‘Please , Daddy!’
With that, he flipped her over, pulled her on to all fours and fucked her. There was no other word for it.
*
When she came round, he was just getting dressed.
‘I have to go.’
‘Back to your wife?’
He shook his head in refusal to answer.
‘No strings, remember? You know, you should be more careful about who you invite to your house.’
He left then, kissing her gently on her forehead. She wondered if anyone would ever understand what she’d just done.
She took a shower and stood with the hot water pounding her head and running down her face. She had an odd feeling of euphoria, tempered by one of disgust and self – loathing. Fortunately for her, the whole nostrings thing felt slightly surreal : she was just playing the role of Sweetmusic . No one knew about it, which increas ed the feeling of otherworldliness.
With no idea how long she ’d been standing in the shower, she was roused by the sound of her phone ringing. No one ever called her on her landline.
She quickly got out from under the water and pulled a towel round herself, running downstairs.
‘Hello?’
‘Finally, I thought you must be out. Why did you ring me?’
‘Dad? I didn’t think you’d call back.’
‘Vivien said I should ring you.’
‘Ah , I see, Vivien said.’
Her heart was sinking already.
‘Why did you phone me?’
Beth was finding it hard to form any coherent thoughts , but after a moment it all came back to her . ‘Yesterday, you told me I have a half – sister . I thought it might be nice to know her name.’
‘Lucy.’
‘And is Lucy pretty?’
‘She’s a baby!’ h e scoffed , as if she was an idiot for suggesting that a baby might have characteristics.
‘Are you having her christened ?’
‘Vivien wants a welcome party and baby greeting.’ He sounded derisive.
‘Right, is that like a christening?’ She felt slightly nauseous and muddle – headed.
‘No church. A lot of cooing, photos, presents, that kind of thing.’
‘And when will it be?’ she asked, trying and failing to calculate how to get there.
‘Next Saturday.’
‘Next Saturday?! I’m working, I can’t possibly get out to Spain.’
‘ I t’s for friends and family,’ he said in a monotone voice.
‘Yes, family , Dad .’ She put the emphasis on D ad.
‘Vivien’s family.’ He countered immediately.
‘Please , Daddy!’ she said , before she knew what she was doing.
There was silence down the line and Beth dropped the phone with a cry , as if she were touching burning hot coals. Her mind was whirling: there was Billybear , and then images of her dad holding her hand as a child, blowing raspberries on her stomach as he dried her after a bath.
He became Dan, stroking her arm in an empty cinema, kneading her sore shoulders as she sat and watched TV, sticking out his tongue in concentration as he fixed a broken vase. Oh God!
*
She must have made it to the sofa before blanking out and then waking in darkness. Wine was soaking through her jumper where she’d let a glass slip out of her hands. The clock on her phone showed 1.15am. Feeling totally unable to go up to bed, all she could think to do was to idly log back into nostrings . The only person currently online and available in her area was Rockman . She barely glanced at his profile, just asked him to come, not even bothering to change out of her wine-damp clothes.
Standing in her hall, he looked at least 15 years older than his photo : stocky, rough, needing a shave. They went upstairs in silence and sat side by side on the bed, taking off their own clothes before they’d even hugged or spoken. In the chill, Beth climbed under the covers and he rolled on top of her, his solid, heavy bulk pinning her down. He was looking into the pillows, not once meeting her eyes , and started grunting, thrusting into her and holding her arms by her sides so that she couldn’t even move. Minutes later he rolled off, wiping the spittle from his chin , and put his clothes back on.
‘Thanks , love,’ he said, ‘I’ll see myself out. ’ These were the first words he’d spoken since he arrived.
She lay in the bed with the covers over her head and sobbed. What the hell was she doing? Could she go any lower than this?
Chapter 12
Sam, 2008
‘It’s like when you didn’t even tell me about your MS until after we broke up!’ Kim shouted.
They were sitting in the lounge of his recently acquired new flat and Kim was pointing at the cast on Sam’s arm. Ollie was playing happily with his cars at their feet.
‘I didn’t tell you about my MS because it wouldn’t have made any difference, you would have kicked me out anyway. I didn’t tell you about this,’ he held his arm up, ‘because, quite frankly, why should I?’ Sam already felt tired. All they seemed to do these days was wind each other up.
‘Of course telling me about your MS would have made a difference, I didn’t know you were ill!’
‘If that’s true then I’m very glad I didn’t tell you . The last thing I’d have wanted was for you to stay with me because you felt sorry for me.’
‘So you left it for me to hear it from Brian bloody Crosby and have to stand there in Asda pretending I knew what the fuck he was talking about?’
Sam was trying to keep his voice calm . ‘If you must know, I didn’t tell you straight after I saw the doctor because I needed time to process it all. Then, when I got put on fire prevention, I was going to tell you that day but came home to you dancing around and cheering about your windfall and telling me you didn’t love me any more.’
He felt his jaw clenching and the cast on his arm was irritating him more than ever.
‘I’m sure I didn’t say that.’
‘If you didn’t, it was obvious that’s what you meant. I also suspect that that Ernesto bloke was already in the picture.’
‘His name is Enrico.’
Sam scoffed, ‘So he was in the picture?’
Kim didn’t say anything and Sam didn’t press her, too tired to really care one way or the other. The levels of fatigue he was experiencing at the moment were crippling: he felt like he was moving through glue and very often his mind became so woolly he had to give up trying to think. He leaned back against the cushions, his broken arm aching.
‘Are you managing with that arm?’ she asked , changing her tone to that of concerned nurse, obviously wanting to get off the subject now that she was under scrutiny.
‘Yes,’ he replied. He couldn’t be bothered to go into it, knowing her interest wasn’t going to go beyond asking.
‘Well, you’re tired and I only popped in to get Ollie’s cars. Look how much he loves them!’
Sam looked at his son, immersed in his world of cars. He got down on the floor to sit with him and Ollie drove a car up his leg. God, he missed this. He picked him up as best he could with one arm and Ollie drove his car down Sam’s nose, oblivious to everything.
‘We’re going to have to talk about an arrangement so I can see more of Ollie and not just when you need a babysitter on Greta’s days off.’
‘Hm-mm,’ was all she managed in response. Sam knew how evasive she could be about things she didn’t want to talk about.
‘I mean it , Kim . ’ He looked at her as she checked her face in her compact mirror.
He couldn’t stand it that she held all the cards but he couldn’t allow his anger to get the better of him , not with Ollie snuggling into his shoulder.
‘We will , Sam,’ she said , picking Ollie up, ‘later. I have to go now.’
She walked out , leaving Sam sitting on the floor feeling completely hollowed out. He picked up the mug by his hand and flung it at the wall with all the strength he could muster.
*
The only thing he could think of to release some of his pent – up tension was to try having a wank. It was tricky with one arm out of action , but fortunately it was his weaker arm so he got a towel from the bathroom and sat on the bed.
Frustrated as he was, it took a long time and he tried to work through his bank of fantasies. Just as he was finally nearing release, he heard voices calling and the front door slamming.
What the hell?
‘Sorry we’re late , Mr Owens, our last client had a fall.’
He could hear them moving through the flat.
He fumbled with his trousers as best he could, pulling up the zip, his penis throbbing now , and with n o time to do up his button before the pair of home help women got to his bedroom door.
‘Ah, there you are , Mr Owens, thought you must be asleep.’
‘What are you doing?’ he asked incredulously.
‘We’ve come to give you your shower,’ said the eldest of them , as if he might have forgotten that they would.
‘But what the hell are you doing just walking into my house?’
‘We were given your key – safe number so we used that,’ she said , like they’d been doing him a favour.
‘ But that’s just for emergencies!’ He was irate now . ‘You can’t just fucking walk in!’
‘I’m sorry, Mr Owens, it won’t happen again. We’ll make a note in your file.’
‘Yes , of course, in my file .’ Sam was so sick of people with their files, forms, risk assessments and analyses. People invaded his life as if he was not expected to have any opinions or interests of his own any more. He knew why he was called an invalid : in-valid.
‘And can you give me more idea of what time you’ll come by?’ H e tamped do w n his ire.
‘Sorry, we can’t do that . W e get given a list of clients at the start of each day and we never know how long each visit will last.’
Sam felt defeated, too exhausted to fight. Clients, he thought, clients!
‘Come on , sunshine, let ’ s get you in that shower. How did you break your arm anyway?’
Sam had explained the real story of tripping over a kerb to every single home help who’d turned up. He was that close to throwing these two out of the flat, feeling violated by the intrusion , but he needed a shower so instead he said, ‘It was a skiing accident.’
Chapter 13
1991
Beth and her friends hung about a bit after school, popping into town to get an iced bun from Thurstons. They’d almost-accidentally bumped into Liam, Ian, Simon and Martin , who’d been in Woolworths next door to get cans of coke and nick some pick – and – mix. ‘ Almost ’ because they’d seen the boys go in to the shop and had loitered until they came out again . Not actively waiting , obviously, Beth convinced herself. When they’d met in the street, Liam had pulled out a toffee from his pocket and offered it to Beth , who’d held out a hand sticky with the sugary frosting from her bun.
‘Thanks,’ she smiled shyly and he grinned at her. She didn’t really like toffees, so it would take pride of place on her bookshelves.
Her friend Kate had spotted this interaction and knew that Beth fancied Liam , with his dimply smile and skinny good looks. Kate said that she didn’t like him at all, far too immature , but it seemed that she wanted to get things moving and was tired of the shilly-shallying.
