Senseless, p.17
Senseless, page 17
‘How’s your day been?’ Sam shouted over the music .
‘Oh, ok ay , ready for the weekend. How about you?
‘Slept most of it, bloody legs.’ He was smiling as usual. Then he noticed Danny and Ellie coming toward them. Danny was half – twisted in his chair, trying to shout something to Ellie , who was bending down to hear him. As soon as he turned to face the front, he slammed his hands on the brakes over his wheels so that Ellie bashed into the back of him.
‘Danny!’ Sam yelled, ‘Over here!’
But Danny had seen them before he stopped, his mouth hanging open almost as if they were in a bad, clichéd movie.
‘Danny?’
He turned to try to see what Danny had seen and saw Beth with her hand clasped over her mouth, eyes wild. As he started to ask her what was going on, she got up and ran out of the room.
‘Beth?!’ he shouted.
‘Beth , wait!’ Danny echoed and spun his head round toward the door just as she disappeared.
‘Danny? ’ Sam shouted again, ‘What’s going on?’ A nd then it dawned on him . ‘Oh my God, you’re Dan!’ Sam wheeled round the table, the others all looking on in total bemusement . ‘Shit , man, you’re Beth’s Dan , aren’t you?’
‘I was, I … ’ he tailed off .
Jack came over . ‘Everything alright , mate?’
‘Have you got your keys?’ Sam shouted urgently, ‘We need to go after Beth!’ and he started wheeling himself out, knocking into chairs and other people’s legs. ‘ Sam, wait!’ Danny shouted.
‘Sam, wait!’ Jack echoed, pulling up level.
Sam hoped that they’d find Beth in the car park but he had to wind his way up and down an access ramp to get out there and by the time they did, there was no sign of her or a car that looked like the one he remembered her driving.
He wheeled over to Jack’s car, shouting that they had to go and find Beth. Jack didn’t ask questions, just helped Sam into the car as quickly as possible, folded his chair and stored it in the boot. Sam sat in the passenger seat : he had never felt so frustrated with his body. All he wanted was to sprint to his own car and speed away.
He slammed a fist on the dashboard and then got out his phone and rang Beth . I t rang several times before switching to voicemail.
‘Beth, it’s Sam, pick up the phone!’
Jack got in the driver’s seat and started the engine, knowing how much Sam wanted to go.
‘Where am I going , mate?’
‘Beth’s house.’
‘Where’s Beth’s house?’
‘Shit , man, wait, it’s in my phone. Start driving to the ring road e ast.’
Jack reversed out and headed off as instructed, while Sam found the address and got a road map on his phone.
As they were driving, Jack asked what was going on.
‘Sorry , Jack, I should have filled you in. Succinctly, my mate Danny , at the party , disappeared from Beth’s life several years ago ; they used to live together. She had no idea where he was or even if he was alive.’
‘Woah. He never told Beth he was going?’
‘He left her a very ambiguous note.’
Jack didn’t say anything else , just focused on driving. Sam was dying to try calling Beth again but Jack needed the road map.
When they got to Beth’s road, her house was dark and there was no sign of her car. Jack jumped out to look through the windows but soon came back.
‘Not there.’
Sam rang again but got no answer so he texted , too , just asking her to say that she was okay. When Jack asked if he wanted to go home, Sam shook his head.
‘I need to go back and talk to Danny,’ he said, rubbing his temples . ‘Sorry , Jack, being my PA won’t normally be like this.’
Jack grinned, ‘No p roblem, I like a bit of James Bond.’ A nd then they headed back to the centre.
Chapter 38
Beth, Friday
When Beth got to her car, she was shaking convulsively. Her preference would have been to sit behind the wheel in the safe space it afforded her but she had to get away in case someone came looking for her.
Seeing Dan had been like seeing a ghost, and it seemed even worse as it was the first night she was out with Sam.
With no time to think about what might have happened in Dan’s life to lead up to him being there, she reversed at speed and screeched out of the car park, not knowing where she was heading. The roads were pretty quiet so she drove round at random, shaking and sobbing, cursing the stars for blighting her life so much.
In a moment of clear thinking, she realised that she should go back to the centre to find out Dan’s story , then turned her car in that direction . But, immediately struck by the impossible ridiculousness of the idea, she sped on past, toward her own house.
She couldn’t go there, she couldn’t bear it , so she stopped at the gates of a park she didn’t recognise and got out of her car. It was a biting cold night, and the park was in almost pitch-darkness as she nearly lost her footing alongside the icy lake.
She sat on a bench , shivering and crying for what felt like hours, terrified of how hopeless she felt. Eventually, a group of youths drinking out of bottles and sounding aggressive , came toward her.
In a panic, she ran back to her car . ‘What the fuck , Dan?!’ she screamed out, punching the wheel.
The only thing she really needed now was a drink, and the idea gave her some focus. Where was a shop that would be selling? She trailed through the streets, scouring the darkened rows of shops for something that looked open, losing her bearings in a state of delirium. At last , she saw somewhere and pulled up outside.
There wasn’t much choice so she took a couple of bottles of wine and, on second thoughts, a couple of bottles of whiskey , p aying distractedly with two £20 notes and not even waiting for the change.
She turned on the heater in her car and took a few swigs from a whiskey bottle. It almost made her gag but she swallowed it down and felt a little better ; t he burning sensation helped ease her gasping sobs. After a few more swigs, she realised there was only one place she could think of to go.
Chapter 39
Sam, Friday Evening
When Sam and Jack got back to the centre, they saw Danny and Ellie sitting in the reception area. His head was in his hands.
‘Is she here?’ Sam almost shouted, ‘Did she come back?’
Dan shook his head.
‘ Danny, Dan, do you have any idea where she might be? Do you have any idea what hell you put her through?’
Dan sat silently, shoulders hunched.
‘Perhaps we need to hear his side, mate?’ Jack put in.
Sam stopped shouting then and breathed, knowing this was true but not wanting to waste time listening. He was behaving out of character. It might help him find Beth if he slowed down.
‘You’re right , Jack, I’m sorry , Danny, will you explain to me?’
‘I can try.’
Dan’s voice was hoarse and strained . ‘ I feel sick, dizzy.’
Sam sent Jack for coffee and something to eat.
Dan explained as briefly as he could . ‘When I was living with Beth, I’d started to get headaches and dizziness. I ignored it all for as long as possible, even the momentary losses of vision I got , until finally I had a small seizure and took myself to the doctor’s.
‘ There were all the tests and then the diagnosis of a brain tumour. Cancer,’ he went on , ‘and I knew I couldn’t hide it from Beth much longer. It got harder to tell her the more I learned because I hadn’t told her any of it earlier on.’
‘God!’ was all Sam could say . H e knew what that felt like.
‘I wrote Beth a long letter explaining it all but ended up tearing it to shreds and leaving her a scrap. A stupid, heartless one-liner. I’ve tried to write to her since but wouldn’t know where to start.’
Sam sat in silence , thinking . ‘And now? Is the cancer gone?’
‘We think so but my nerves have been damaged by the radiotherapy ; now I have a condition called radio necrosis.’ Dan looked at Sam . ‘Can you understand?’
Sam nodded again . ‘You’ve no idea , mate.’ He could understand totally how diagnosis of illness was much more than medical. There were massive ripples affecting your emotions, your relationships, your thinking.
‘Are you and Beth together?’ Dan asked out of the blue, looking directly at Sam.
‘I met her a week ago today , ’ Sam replied cagily. Dan cocked his head and tried again .
‘ Are you going to get together?’
Sam laughed nervously, ‘Jesus , man , I just met her. I ’ m a crip , remember.’
‘She couldn’t get much better th a n you , Sam , and you deserve her. Look after her , won’t you?’
Sam didn’t answer, only nodded slightly and said, ‘You have to meet her , you know. Not tomorrow but soon.’
‘If she’ll let me.’
‘She’ll let you , ’ Sam said , with a confidence he didn’t feel. If we find her , he wanted to add.
‘What shall we do?’ he asked no one in particular.
‘Do you know anywhere else she might be , Danny?’ Jack asked, placing a tray of coffee and sandwiches on the floor. Dan shook his head . ‘I think she’ll go home. She’s probably parked in a lay-by or driving round the streets , but then I think she’ll go home.’
‘Do you think she might come back here?’
‘No , ’ Sam and Dan said together.
‘Maybe we should call it a night , then , and look for her tomorrow?’
Sam shook his head vehemently, ‘Just leave her , you mean?’
‘Well, try her phone again.’
Sam called her but her phone was switched off. They’d been here too long.
‘Did you see her eyes?’ he asked, ‘We can’t just give up.’ He was starting to shake. ‘Do you all have any idea what she might do while we’re sitting here having a tea party?’
‘Well, we could go to the police?’ Jack offered.
‘What , and say a woman left a party an hour or so ago on a Friday night and hasn’t been seen since? They’ll laugh at us.’ His voice was rising as was his panic.
Everyone looked at him, at a loss.
‘She could do anything!’ h e repeated .
‘Then we’ll get back in the car and keep looking.’
‘Let’s go!’
‘You’ve barely touched your coffee.’
‘Forget the damned coffee!’
*
Once they were back in the car, Jack headed on a circuitous route back to Beth’s house. He didn’t know what her car was like and Sam barely did either. ‘Small and silver , I think,’ was all Sam could manage , and so it was a fairly pointless drive , especially as Sam was busy replying to a worried text from Gary and not even looking out of the window.
Jack soon turned into Beth’s road but her house was still dark. He pulled up and told Sam that he’d go and have another look. As Jack was ringing the doorbell and peering through any windows he could get to, Sam pulled out his phone, tried Beth’s number and got nothing , so texted her again:
Beth, it’s Sam, where are you? We’re worried ! He pressed send and then , as an afterthought, texted again: I talked to Danny , he erased the final ‘ny’ , I talked to Dan, you’ll understand his story. The idiot thought leaving would protect you. Talk to me xx
Jack got in the car and looked at Sam . ‘Almost sure she’s not there. Even if she’s hiding, there’s no car.’
Sam sighed wearily.
‘We should go home , Sam, get some sleep and she’ll turn up tomorrow.’
‘Sleep?!’ But he knew Jack was right . ‘Alright, let’s go home.’
It wasn’t alright to Sam, he couldn’t bear not know ing if she ’d done something stupid. He was too tired to argue , though , and he saw that there was nothing they could do now.
There was a small, silver car parked on the road in front of Sam’s place when they drove up. Jack pulled up and looked questioningly at Sam . ‘It looks like the one I remember,’ he said, pulling off his seat belt.
They got out as fast as they could , what with the wheelchair to manage, and Jack helped push an exhausted Sam up the gravel drive . There was a dark figure sitting on the door ramp, drinking something straight from a bottle. They hurried up to her.
‘Beth?’
‘Sam?’ she said , although there was enough light to see him clearly. He couldn’t help smiling. He reached forward and took the bottle from her hands . It still felt fairly full, so she can’t have been here very long , unless this was her second bottle. There were no empties. He handed the bottle to Jack , along with his door key , and watched as he let himself in and put the whiskey on the table.
‘I’ll be off then .’ Jack said. ‘ I guess you guys need to talk . G lad to see you , Beth,’ and with that, he jogged back to his car.
‘How long have you been here?’ Sam asked, not able to see Beth’s face.
‘Not that long . ’ He heard more of a slur in her voice this time.
‘We were very worried.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she whimpered , and collapsed into a ball . ‘All I ever do is fuck up. My life is just one big fuck – up.’
Sam didn’t know what to do ; he needed Jack. He couldn’t possibly pull her up. ‘Let’s go inside,’ he coaxed , hopefully, ‘it’s bloody freezing out here and I’m dog-tired.’ Beth didn’t move.
‘Beth? Come on, I’m a crip in a chair, you’ve got to help me out here.’ She looked up then so he went on, ‘Come on , Beth, get up and help me inside, please.’ She seemed to respond and tried to get herself up . ‘Bit pished , ’ s he managed, staggering to her feet.
‘Hold my chair, it’ll keep you balanced , and give me a push up the ramp.’
She did as she was told but not too effectively : Sam was glad he had a self-prope lling wheelchair but it took all the strength he could muster to wheel himself inside. Beth collapsed on the sofa while he went to make strong, sugary tea.
‘Bit of a sugar fix,’ he said , wheeling back in, trying to lighten things. Sam looked at her ; she’d taken her hair down. Her eyes were still roaming but he found her face beautiful. She sat on the other end of the sofa, not speaking, knees pulled up to her chest.
After a few minutes of silent tea-drinking, Sam said, ‘I talked to Danny . ’ S he flinched slightly but said nothing . ‘H e told me his story, Beth. You’ll have to hear it from him one day but he told me pretty much all of it . ’ H e paused and she looked at him, still silent but giving him permission to go on. He told her the story of Dan being diagnosed with brain cancer, not daring to tell her, caring too much to see straight.
She breathed steadily and he could see the rise and fall of her diaphragm until eventually she said : ‘So he thought not telling me would hurt less th a n sharing his illness with me?’
‘Well , yes,’ Sam’s voice was gentle , ‘that’s what he said. He knows now how irrational that was. You’ll have to talk to him , Beth, you can ask him, he’ll talk to you. He wants to talk to you.’
He saw Beth flinch again.
‘Maybe not tomorrow but soon, when you’re ready.’
She breathed some more and he reached over to squeeze her hand and she squeezed back.
‘You’ll know when and what’s best. You’re strong.’
Beth slid toward him on the sofa and put her head on his chest . H is arm went round her shoulders. They sat in exhausted silence until Sam’s arm cramped and they both needed the toilet. Then they went to his bed and spooned as they fell asleep , not even needing to speak.
Chapter 40
Beth, Six M onths L ater
Beth hovered outside the door to the café, wishing Sam had been well enough to see her this morning for a pep talk. It had taken her months to get the courage to fix up a meeting and ever since she had, she’d been dreading it.
Taking a deep breath, she went in and spotted him at a table in the corner. He had started growing a beard and had gained some weight but was still recognisably the same person. She had expected there to be a PA with him , but he was alone.
Swallowing, she walked over to him and sat opposite.
‘Hello , Dan.’
‘Hello , Beth.’
They looked at each other. Where could they possibly start?
‘This is a nice café, do you come here a lot?’ Beth found herself saying, cringing inside at the platitude.
To his credit, Dan managed to answer without showing any signs of noticing it.
A waitress came over then and they ordered coffee.
‘So,’ Dan said without further preamble, ‘it was a great shock to see you at the MS centre.’
His voice sounded different, slightly slurred by his illness.
‘I guessed it was inevitable we’d run into each other one day,’ he continued soberly, ‘but I never expected it to be there. I’m quite surprised it didn’t happen sooner , but then I don’t do much to get me out any more.’
Beth was glad that at least Dan was going to talk but she didn’t know what he expected her to say and waited for him to go on.
‘I owe you an explanation, a very big explanation.’
Beth nodded.
‘I’m sure Sam has shared what I told him?’
‘Yes, I still find it very hard to understand why you felt you couldn’t tell me.’ She heard a catch in her voice and swallowed.
‘I meant to so many times , Beth, do know that. Like I think I said to Sam, the longer I left it, the harder it got. I didn’t want to bring any more trauma to your life , I guess.’
‘And so you thought it better to just disappear and leave me wondering if you were dead?’ Her voice was rising.
‘No,’ he paused for a second and checked himself . ‘Yes, I suppose I did. I tried to write many times but I couldn’t find the words.’
The coffee arrived then before she got a chance to explode at him. She tried to breathe, missing Sam.
