Senseless, p.12
Senseless, page 12
But, this weekend we name her different?
Why?
She feels very self-conscious about her face, Beth put in, she’s crying.
Paula gasped and put her hands to her face. Beth understood that , by insisting on that name, she was sticking with the deaf culture she’d grown up with. Her apparent insensitivity also stemmed from the fact that she was deaf-blind, and her impaired senses were not allowing her to pick up the atmosphere or be aware of Izzy’s anguish. As a PA, Beth felt it was her job to make sure she had a grasp of what was going on around her.
How about Izzy-long-hair? Beth suggested.
It was a compromise , but still somewhat described the girl : nobody really knew her personality or likes and dislikes yet. Sam nodded his approval and Paula assented too : Izzy-long-hair was christened.
Thank you , Sam signed to Beth when no one was looking.
To her horror, she felt herself blushing. She was sure he’d think it was because she was grateful for his approval but , inside, she was angry. Angry that he could be so patronising to Paula by thanking her , in the way that adults do to adults after a child has offended. It was patronising to herself by implying that she had any other motive than ensuring that Paula had full access to the world around her. Did he imagine that she’d been thinking about him and his feelings? He didn’t have anything to do with it and the fact that he said his thanks to Beth proved to her that he had no sensitivity to living with deaf-blindness.
When dinner was finished and Joe had cleared away the apple pie, custard jug and empty bowls , Alice got up to announce that they would have a meeting now , and she disappeared out of the kitchen , return ing with a folder. Inside there was a copy of everyone’s application form and a bundle of papers that Alice handed around. The first was a sheet of ‘housekeeping’ issues: directions to the nearest pub, shop and doctor’s surgery, hours of curfew , and house rules about cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen, the bathroom and so on .
The next was the itinerary: riding times, meal times. Alice read it out and said : ‘All of you have ridden before except for Beth so, first thing in the morning, up to break time, all of you will be going to the field to catch your horses, bring them to the stables, groom them and tack them up. Our very able stable – hand Vicky will show you what to do. I will have a session with Beth and JR to introduce you to horsemanship.’ She looked at Beth and grinned.
Beth felt both conspicuous and irritated . Alice seemed to forget that she was here as Paula’s PA-communicator-guide first and foremost.
‘But then Paula won’t have support,’ she said as she turned to Paula to sign her words.
‘Don’t worry, we’ll help Paula,’ Sam had chipped in immediately, ‘I’ll sign and Sarah can guide her.’
Beth’s anger was rising once more . Sam only had level one ; it was Gemma at the college all over again . B ut Alice was already telling Sam that that was a brilliant idea, even before Paula knew about it. When Beth explained to Paula, hoping she’d object, Paula was actually quite happy with the idea . Beth closed her eyes and counted to ten. If it was fine with Paula, she’d have to let it go.
At the earliest opportunity, Beth went to check that Paula would be okay to get back to the room later without her , and readied herself to go up alone. She was already thinking about the crate of wine in the car, which she didn’t want to have to share. To her dismay, Paula wanted to come with her to the room so that she could Skype Donna before she went to bed.
She got the wine anyway , but , when she offered a plastic cup to Paula, mercifully she refused, focused as she was on swapping news with Donna. Beth worked her way through a bottle, looking out into the darkness before climbing into bed.
She had a fitful night, made worse by the fact that Paula turned out to be a very noisy sleeper. Being disturbed through the night by grunts and snores, Beth rarely entered deep sleep at all and woke feeling totally unrefreshed and remembering that she was now another year older.
Joe’s hearty cooked breakfast soon got her going. The meal was a quiet affair compared to the night before. Alice was already out in the stables and everyone else seemed full of sleep like her , and focused on their fried eggs and bacon.
After eating, Beth took herself to the indoor riding school, as Alice had instructed. She saw Paula walking happily across the yard on Sarah ’ s arm and watched their group togetherness in envy.
Alice was already there , with a saddled JR , who was docile , even without her holding him. She was scratching his neck and murmuring something in his ear that Beth couldn’t hear. When they noticed Beth, she stopped and said ‘hi’ and , without preamble, she continued, ‘I sense that you are not comfortable around horses , Beth.’
It wasn’t a question but she seemed to pause in expectation of an answer. Beth just made a non-committal ‘mmm’ sound.
‘But,’ Alice continued, ‘I also sense that you are a horse woman.’
Beth was dumbfounded and simply stood in her place about five feet away from them.
‘In order to ride a horse, the first thing you need to do is build a rapport. JR senses your unease just as I do : do you see how his relaxed body language changed as you came in?’ Beth noticed that Alice was now holding his reins but otherwise saw no difference. ‘He has stiffened up’, Alice continued, ‘and is more anxious.’
Beth felt terrible, she wanted to leave. Was she really making the horse anxious just by standing there?
‘It’s not your fault , Beth, horses are instinctive , but you can learn to trust each other. JR needs to know that you are relaxed with him and not a threat, this is the reason why he is tense.’
‘Right , ’ Beth managed, doing her breathing.
‘Deep breathing is good , ’ Alice noted. Beth was surprised that she had picked up on it. ‘Come closer to JR.’
Beth took a step nearer.
‘No, come close, stand in front of his face.’
Beth felt she had no choice.
‘JR will never hurt you, he is a gentleman.’ She scratched his neck again with real affection. ‘ Now, hold out you hand like this,’ she held out her hand palm down, fingers neutral and slightly bent downwards, ‘let him sniff your hand and he will know that you are not going to hurt him either. If you came at him to pat him before you show him you are passive, he may worry and misread you. Horses don’t like to have their faces touched too much, try to pat his neck.’
Beth held out her hand and JR nuzzled it.
‘Now,’ Alice watched approvingly, ‘continue your deep breathing through your nose. Let him feel your breaths.’
Beth felt silly but she forced herself not to glance round to check if any one was looking , then breathed slowly in and out. JR stood calmly and started to breathe with her, his nose almost against hers.
After a moment or two, Alice whispered, ‘See, you are communicating!’
Beth could see and she reached out to scratch his neck as he leaned into her. She saw a flash out of the corner of her eye. Alice was holding up her phone and had taken a shot. She showed it to Beth. JR had his nose against her chest and she was holding him and smiling. She looked at Alice in awe.
‘See!’ Alice clapped her hands . ‘It took you less than five minutes for JR to connect with you and see your soul. He sees that you are good, a friend. I’ll email that photo to you.’
Beth looked at JR – his big black soulful eyes were looking at her. Alice took a pony nut from her pocket and handed it to Beth, ‘Here, give him that.’
Beth remembered to place it in her open palm and hold it out to him and his lips soon gobbled it from her hand.
He sees that I am good , Beth repeated to herself , and Alice seemed to sense these thoughts as she said : ‘Horse’s brains are not as sophisticated or anywhere near as large as human brains, of course : we have three important areas and horses have two. They can’t plan things, make decisions about things, use language and so on the way we do , but they do have memory and they can feel emotion. They are like dogs in that they can know a person quickly. They are often dismissed as acting only on herding instinct but I see that JR knows you are good and next time he sees you, he will recognise you. All you need to do is keep him trusting you.’
She scratched him again and snuggled her face into his mane before saying : ‘Okay, I think you’re both ready for you to get up in the saddle now and then I’ll show you how to sit, how to hold the reins and communicate with him when he can’t see you. Lastly, we’ll all walk around the ring so that you can get a feel of walking , then it will be break time. Okay?’
‘Yes, that’s okay , ’ Beth nodded and smiled again, surprised by how calm she felt at the idea and how she felt she knew that she was going to enjoy it.
Alice gave her JR’s reins to hold as she demonstrated how to mount the horse. Beth wasn’t sure how much of what Alice had said she actually believed to be true , but she felt safe here.
Chapter 27
Beth, Saturday
When Beth got to the kitchen for tea break, she was the last person to arrive. As soon as she walked in, everyone went quiet , as if they had just been talking about her. Paula was sitting cosied up with the other three and Sarah was pouring tea as usual from a big pot. Joe was leaning on the sink next to Alice , who still had her back to the room.
As Beth sat down, unsure whether to join the huddle at the end , so deciding on the seat at the other end from where she could see everyone, Joe pulled down the window blinds and the room went dim. Alice turned round and held out a cake with two sparklers in the top and everyone else started signing ‘Happy Birthday’ , looking at Beth as they signed. Paula must have taught them all to do it. As they neared the end, they didn’t sign ‘happy birthday dear Beth’ as a closed fist circling the chest to sign sorry but ‘happy birthday dear Beth’ as a slightly bent index finger making a small slow circle around the temple in the sign for ‘thoughtful’.
When they had finished and were waving their hands in the deaf visual way of clapping, Sam spoke and simultaneously signed the words he knew for Paula’s benefit . ‘Paula changed your name-sign to “ thoughtful ” . She said that when she gave you the name “ sorry ” it wasn’t a real name-sign as she had to think of one quickly before she really knew you. Now she thinks this suits you a lot better.’
Yes, yes, signed Paula, you always think how you can support deaf people and are a fantastic advocate for us. You never make my decisions for me.
Beth had mixed feelings. The attention bothered her and how much was Sam behind this name change? She felt pleased and wary in turn.
Before she had time to respond, Alice said : ‘I got your date of birth from your application form. Joe and I thought we’d surprise you with a cake.’ The two of them were now sitting side by side at the table and Joe had cut the cake into hearty, equal slices. Alice took hold of his hand and grinned at him adoringly then spoke to the group : ‘We’ll have a little ride in the field before lunch and then un tack the horses to rest them up for our afternoon hack down to the lake. Beth and JR got on really well. Look!’ She got her phone from her pocket and showed them all the photo. Beth saw a knowing glance pass between Sam and Sarah. What was it now?
When they went out to get their horses, fireman Sam left his wheelchair in the house. It was odd to see him walking on his long, slightly gangly legs. He was drowned in too-loose dark brown jodhpurs and a thick puffy riding jacket. They discovered that Vicky had already re-saddled all five horses as they took them from the stables. Beth greeted JR with a passive hand and a neck scratch as she lead him to the yard. There was a mounting block with a ramp for wheelchair users. Sam and Paula both used the block to get on their horses.
Everyone but Beth was in jodhpurs and was sitting up straight and confident on their horses. Beth felt dowdy in her old corduroy trousers , which were digging in to her waist and felt too tight around her crotch. She tried to sit straight like the others.
Izzy had tied her hair back from her face for the first time , and she seemed to relax in her horse’s company, knowing , perhaps, that he’d probably not see her mutilated face and would probably not react to it if he did . B eth realised that Izzy’s mum wasn’t here yet : p erhaps she was coming later in the day?
They set off , with Vicky walking by Paula and her small, grey horse. Vicky wasn’t leading them but instead walked close as they left the yard and followed a track to the gate that Alice was opening into a field, ready to grab the reins should Paula go off track. At the moment, the lovely little horse was gracefully following the others and taking note of where Vicky was walking.
Beth looked about her and breathed deeply, cold air cleansing her lungs. She closed her eyes and felt the sun on her skin . Even though it had minimal warmth to it, she felt it playing on her face. Sam and Izzy were leading the group and walked their horses side by side, chatting easily together. Beth could hear the odd phrase; they were talking about horses and the horse that Izzy’s family had owned when she was growing up.
Without all of her lips, Izzy’s speech was slurred and unclear in a similar way to Paula’s deaf voice. She couldn’t form sounds that involved bringing the lips together : The letter s p and b eluded her, f and v were almost as indecipherable but, with careful listening, you could understand her. Sam seemed to have no problem . P erhaps earlier he had found a way to bring her out of her shell and had had time to familiarise himself with her voice .
Alice asked them to walk their horses in a circle, leaving space between each horse. She didn’t single people out but shouted instructions to everyone: ‘shorten you r reins now’, ‘engage the horse’s attention’, ‘keep your heads turned in the direction you’re asking the horse to go’, ‘keep your he e ls down’, ‘sit up straight’, ‘shoulders back’.
They stopped, walked to her, changed direction, walked around the edge of the field and diagonally across it, turning their heads and shoulders in the direction they were going and only pulling gently on the reins.
The time in the field passed quickly and Beth was disappointed when Alice announced that it was lunch time and they headed back to the farm.
*
Joe gave them all a mug of steaming hot, spicy parsnip soup , served with wholemeal rolls fresh from the oven. Paula sat next to Beth again and asked her how she was enjoying it. Fireman Sam was quiet as he ate, mumbling that he needed to ‘refuel’. To Beth’s surprise, Izzy sat opposite Paula at their end of the table, asking Paula about signs for various things relating to horses and food. She had already picked up fingerspelling and seemed to really love the signing. She looked a lot more relaxed and happy, keeping her hair tied back to expose her face fully.
Beth felt she should make contact with her , and spoke and signed to ask when her mum was arriving. Izzy’s face darkened for a second . ‘I can manage without my mum , you know?’ she snapped , sounding more like a petulant 14 – year – old than a young adult. Beth saw the fighter in her, the girl who wanted to be allowed to grow up again now that everyone was mollyco d dling her.
‘Yes, sure, it’s just that Alice mentioned your mum might come , ’ Beth said, trying to sound not in the least patronising.
Izzy didn’t apologise but , obviously recognising her abruptness, she asked Paula how to sign ‘change of plan’ and signed that to Beth before she spoke again. ‘I rang her and told her not to bother coming.’
Beth sensed that they’d probably had an agreement that Izzy would see how she got on before deciding if her mum should come or not. She kept her mouth shut after that, scared of offending the girl more. She’d been to get her phone from her room before lunch and now got it out from her pocket. Sure enough, her dad had called but left no message. There was also a text message from Rick that read simply happy birthday , which she’d acknowledge later in equally benign language. She excused herself, went out to the porch and dialled her dad’s number.
‘ Hello?’
He picked up on the fourth ring .
‘Hello , D ad, it’s Beth.’
‘Oh hello,’ he sounded surprised that it was her but Beth didn’t allow her hackles to rise instantly. What Rick had said about Vivien liking him enough to have a baby with him had made her think that perhaps she had been hearing inflections that weren’t there. Her dad had always hated phones.
Beth waited but he didn’t speak further so she asked, ‘How’s Lucy?’
‘Lucy? How did you know her name?’
‘You told me , D ad.’
‘Ah.’ Pause again, ‘Lucy is fine, she cries a lot, like you did.’ A rare reference to Beth’s provenance.
‘ So … ’ she added .
‘So … ’ There was more silence for a moment, ‘Oh yes, happy birthday.’
‘Thanks , D ad,’ she sighed, scratching her head, ‘well , I have to go.’
‘Go where?’
‘I have to hang up, I’m on holiday.’
‘You are?!’ he sounded disbelieving but maybe he just came across wrong on the phone.
‘I am, I have to go , Dad , thanks for calling earlier though, I thought you might not.’
‘It’s your b irthday!’
‘I know but … ’ She didn’t want to remind him of the please daddy comment. ‘ Just we have already spoken more than usual recently.’
‘That is true.’
‘I have to go , D ad , sorry , but maybe I could call you again soon to hear how Lucy is?’
‘Yes , ok ay .’
‘Ok ay, D ad , I will.’
She hung up, feeling a sense of jubilation. Perhaps things could improve with her dad? This place was already doing her good.
When Beth got back to the warm kitchen and its smells of home baking and fresh bread, Alice stood up and rattled a spoon in her soup mug :
‘The afternoon hack will start at 2pm, it might take between two and three hours. Joe will drive out on the quad bike later and meet us at the lake with flasks of tea and some cookies. When we’re riding, I won’t say too much, you can just relax and enjoy the views. Remember you can slacken you r reins and give your horses their heads to let them stretch their necks a bit. When we get back, Vicky and I will bed down the horses if you are tired , but i f you’d like to help us, you’re very welcome.
