Unrivaled, p.23
Unrivaled, page 23
Zoey’s fear turned into a growl. She took a step, and Dani’s hand landed on her shoulder.
“Hey, good game,” Dani said.
“Yeah.”
Dani’s grip tightened. “It’s never a good idea to kill attendings at the resident–staff party.”
“She’s not a surgery attending,” Zoey gritted out between clenched teeth. “Besides, I’m not going to kill her. Only hurt her.”
“Might you need a moment to find your sanity?” Dani said, laughter coloring her voice.
“No. And if she doesn’t stop touching Dec, I just might change my mind about homicide.” Zoey had the strangest urge to swat the hand Bridget Kelly kept running over Dec’s body. Looking for injuries, her ass.
“Really?” Dani asked with just a hint of glee.
Zoey spun around and turned her back. “No, not really. Fuck it.”
“Okay, that’s one way to handle it.”
“Shut up.”
“Come on. We won.” Dani laughed a little. “Hey, I got a kiss.”
“Yeah, from Syd, who’s practically married.”
“True, but she’s hot.”
Zoey burst out laughing, and some of her misplaced fury drained away. “Sometimes, I fear for you.”
“Yeah, sometimes I do too. Come on, let’s go get a beer.”
“Great idea.” Zoey refused to glance at Dec and Bridget as she slung an arm around Dani’s shoulders and walked away.
✥ ✥ ✥
Dec pushed to her knees and wiped the dirt off her cheek before Bridget could do it. “I’m fine. A little embarrassed.”
“Why should you be?” Bridget said, kneeling next to her, her hand on Dec’s hip. “That was a great move. You got closer than anybody else would’ve.”
“Thanks…nice of you to say, but I know I’m a lousy volleyball player.”
Bridget’s smile could have melted the ice in the beer coolers. “I think you’re a great volleyball player. You looked very good doing it too, which is even better.”
“Unfortunately, looking good isn’t quite enough in sports.” Dec rose and brushed herself off. Thankfully she hadn’t worn shorts, which really weren’t her thing anyhow, and the knees of her jeans were completely covered with grass stains. Bridget edged a little closer, and Dec looked desperately around for a polite escape. Quinn and several of the other staff members stood nearby, and Dec caught Quinn’s eye. “Great return back there, Quinn. Sorry I couldn’t finish it out for you.”
Quinn ambled over. “I got lucky, and just barely. I’m sorry I set you up for that one, though. Not much you could do once Emmett got to it.”
Dec shrugged. “No problem. At least we didn’t have to play another game.”
Quinn laughed. “Buy you a beer?”
“I’ll pass for now, but thanks,” Dec said.
Quinn slapped her on the shoulder just as Omar Mahar, one of the new ENT attendings, walked up to Bridget. “I snagged us a couple of spots in the shade. Are you hungry?”
Bridget’s smile brightened as she turned from Dec to Omar and slipped her hand in the crook of his elbow. “Famished. I’m definitely ready for something.”
Dec didn’t bother watching them walk away but turned to search the residents still milling around on the far side of the net and straggling toward the food. Zoey wasn’t there. Again. The crowd at the party wasn’t all that big, and Dec had run into almost every other person there at least once. Except Zoey. Zoey was always somewhere Dec wasn’t. The annoyance of knowing she was being consciously avoided had been simmering inside her for weeks, and the proof she wasn’t imagining it finally ignited her temper. She threaded her way through the crowd until she found Dani Chan.
“Have you seen Zoey?” Dec asked.
Dani studied her for three probing seconds and said, “She said she wanted a break and took a beer out front. She’s probably sitting on the porch.”
“Thanks.”
“Good luck,” Dani called.
Dec didn’t look back. She wasn’t sure if she needed luck. Probably. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to do, but she was done pretending that whatever was going on with Zoey was okay with her.
As Dani predicted, Zoey sat on the top step of the porch, her back against the round white column, her feet down on the stair below, a bottle of Corona nestled in her lap.
Dec sat beside her. “I don’t think I ever told you that I hate volleyball.”
Zoey said, “I guess that was one of the areas we missed in our getting-to-know-you conversations.”
“Since we’ve been through most of those topics already, why don’t we skip the rest,” Dec said mildly. “How about we talk about why you’re so angry at me.”
“I’m not angry at you.” Zoey pointedly did not meet her gaze.
“Okay. Then maybe you’ll tell me why you’re angry at yourself?”
Zoey’s gaze snapped to Dec’s. “What makes you think I’m angry at myself?”
“You don’t want to talk to me, but you say it’s not me you’re angry at. It’s got something to do with me, and the anger’s coming from somewhere, so that leaves you.”
“You know what, Dec,” Zoey said, heat in her eyes now, “you’re right. I am angry. I’m angry that I can’t get you out of my head.”
“Zoey,” Dec said softly. She hadn’t known until just that moment what she wanted to hear, but like so many times before, Zoey said exactly what she needed to hear. Exactly what she couldn’t pretend didn’t matter. “I’ve missed you.”
“Dec,” Zoey said, “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” Dec’s frustration and need boiled over in her voice. “Talk to me?”
“Get involved with you.”
There it was again. Exactly what Dec needed to hear, plain and simple and clear, the opening to get up, walk away, and stick to all the vows and resolutions she’d made. The silence stretched, and finally Zoey looked away.
“I didn’t have any plans to ever get serious with anyone again,” Dec said.
“I know,” Zoey said, a catch in her voice.
“I was wrong.”
“I don’t want to hear that.” Zoey looked at her. “I can’t do it, Dec. I wish I could, but I can’t be second-best. I’m sorry.”
Dec frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“Your wife, Dec,” Zoey said, “I can’t be with you and know you’re still in love with her. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”
For a second, Dec could only stare. “That’s what you think? You think I’m in love with Annabelle? Zoey, Annabelle’s dead because of me. I might as well have killed her myself. I’m not in love with Annabelle.”
“I don’t understand,” Zoey said softly.
“Look, can we walk? This might take a while, and this isn’t exactly private out here.”
“All right,” Zoey said slowly. “If you’re sure you want to.”
“I’m sure. I need to tell you this,” Dec said. Until that instant, she’d never realized just how much.
“And I need you to.” Zoey set the bottle on a small table on the porch. “Come on, let’s walk over to my place. Nobody’s there.”
I’m not in love with Annabelle. I’m not in love with Annabelle.
The words kept echoing in Zoey’s head. She should have been happy but heard the pain beneath the words. Something was very wrong. “I thought—”
“I know what you thought.” Bitterness laced Dec’s voice. “I know what everyone thought. Still thinks, everyone except Honor. She sees more than she says, and she doesn’t push.”
Zoey snorted. “Dani’s opposite number.”
Dec almost grinned. “Dani’s something. She sent me after you.”
“Did she.” Zoey shook her head. “Maybe I’ll thank her later.”
Dec glanced at her. “I hope so.”
“Let’s go inside,” Zoey said as they approached her Victorian twin.
“I should’ve told you something a lot sooner,” Dec said as Zoey led her down the hall to the kitchen. “I’m sorry that I made you think that I…that I would have slept with you if I…” Dec dropped into a chair at the table and rubbed her face. “What a mess I made of this.”
“It’s all right,” Zoey said quietly. “Do you want something to drink?”
“I’ll take a beer now if you’ve got one,” Dec said.
Zoey found two bottles of microbrew in the refrigerator and opened them, passing one to Dec. She sat opposite her at the table. “You didn’t have to tell me about your past. What we had—have—is about now. It’s my fault for thinking I knew what you felt, when I didn’t.”
“How could you, when I didn’t tell you? I wanted to keep all of that away from you—from us,” Dec said, “and that was stupid. As if I could ever really start all over again.”
“Why can’t you?”
“My past is part of me,” Dec whispered.
“Just like mine is. Just like everyone’s. But we get to make the future what we want, or at least we can try. Dec,” Zoey said gently, “tell me about Annabelle.”
“Yeah, that’s the missing piece, isn’t it.” Dec blew out a breath. “I was a resident when we met. Annabelle was finishing her business degree at Wharton. You know that, right?”
“I heard that, yes.”
“You probably heard the part about us getting involved, and me leaving here to go to Texas too, right?”
“That’s kind of common knowledge,” Zoey said, mildly embarrassed to admit she’d heard the gossip.
“Well, that’s what everybody knows. The part they don’t know is that when I met Annabelle, I’d never had a serious long-term relationship. My goal, my whole focus, had been studying, achieving, making it to the top. That’s what my parents taught me mattered most. Then Annabelle came along and told me exactly the same thing, only she rewarded my achievements with attention and…well, you know.”
“I get the idea.” Zoey wasn’t jealous that Dec had had a relationship. How could she be? Still, hers were in the past.
“I became dependent on her rewards, without even realizing it,” Dec said. “When she was happy with me, when I achieved what she wanted, she made me feel special. So I performed as directed. I’m not proud of that.”
“Dec, those things happen between people. And you weren’t in that relationship alone.”
“Yeah, well, I pretty much gave up doing anything I wanted if it wasn’t what Annabelle wanted, for years. She wanted to bring home a doctor for her daddy’s hospital, and I was the one. I fit nicely into his plans for expansion too, and before I knew it, I was specializing in an area I’d never planned to work in. But Annabelle wanted it.” Dec turned the bottle on the table, rubbing the moisture streaming down the neck with her thumb. “And she rewarded me for it. When she was unhappy, she took away the rewards, and I lived in a freezer in the middle of Texas.”
“That sounds…lonely. Lonely and hard.”
Dec glanced at Zoey. “Maybe you can understand why I didn’t want to tell you this. I’m not the person you thought I was.”
“Of course you are. The Dec I know is sensitive and strong and caring. You supported me at work while letting me make my own decisions. You wanted to know me and made it safe for me to tell you things I’ve never told anyone else. You made love with me, and every minute you did, you gave, Dec. You gave me the freedom and security to say what I wanted, what I needed, and you gave me you.” Zoey shook her head. “I spent a big part of my life hiding who I was and what I needed so no one would ever know that I wasn’t strong and independent and sure. I didn’t have to hide with you.”
“You are all those things,” Dec said, reaching to touch Zoey’s cheek. When she drew back, Zoey caught her hand and linked their fingers.
“If I was, I wouldn’t have walked away from you.”
“No,” Dec said. “You should have. You deserve to know me, and I was afraid to let you.”
“And you think I’ve been completely honest with you?” Zoey shook her head. “You know why I left? Because I wasn’t brave enough to fight for you. I was afraid of a ghost. I was afraid that I would always be looking over my shoulder for Annabelle, or that Annabelle would always be sitting at the table with us. And I wasn’t big enough or brave enough or strong enough to make room for that, if that’s what you needed.” She paused. “I’m not Quinn Maguire.”
“Well, thank God for that,” Dec muttered.
Zoey smiled, relieved to hear a bit of Dec’s fortitude creeping back. “I can’t do casual with you, Dec. I can’t. It’s already too late.”
“Zoey,” Dec breathed, “it’s never been casual for me. The first time I kissed you, you felt like the last woman I wanted to kiss ever again.”
“Finish telling me the rest,” Zoey said, fighting the desire, the need to touch Dec. If she started, she would never stop. Not tonight, not ever again.
“The chairman of my department—the neurosurgery department—was embroiled in a huge malpractice case, and Annabelle’s father wanted to get rid of him. His politics didn’t agree with Annabelle’s father’s. They needed an expert witness with a big name to testify against him. Annabelle’s father wanted it to be me.”
“Oh man,” Zoey said. “That’s ugly.”
“Yes, and unethical. I didn’t agree with the charges. Annabelle was furious, and as punishment, she shut me out of the bedroom and everywhere else.” Dec shrugged. “I finally realized I didn’t care. That’s when I knew I wanted a divorce.”
The words took a moment to register. “You…were leaving her?”
“Yeah, not the fairy-tale ending everyone’s talking about, is it?” Dec tilted the bottle and drained it in two long swallows before setting it down with a hollow-sounding thud. “So you see, if this is about Annabelle, you’ve got the wrong idea.”
“Then maybe,” Zoey said, tightening her grasp on Dec’s hand when Dec started to pull away, “it’s time I had the right idea. Starting with why you think it’s your fault Annabelle is dead.”
“I didn’t kill her,” Dec said quietly, “not intentionally, but it was partly my fault.”
“How?”
“I let my self-loathing get the better of me.”
“That’s a harsh word. You seem to be blaming yourself for an awful lot that sounds like two people were involved.”
Dec gazed at their arms stretched out across the table between them, hands linked as if across a wide chasm, feeling that if she let go, she would truly fall. The only way to save that link, maybe to save herself, was to confess.
“I don’t know how much you know about what happened,” Dec said.
“I know what everyone knows,” Zoey said. “Annabelle died in a car accident. You were terribly injured.”
“The night of the accident, we were at a big gala. Of course I had to be there because Annabelle was being feted. Another award for some super business achievement. There were so many I lost track. She always spent most of her time at these things with her father and the other movers and shakers, planning or plotting.” Dec shrugged. “She wanted to impress him that night by letting him know that I’d be delivering on their investment.”
Zoey winced. “The malpractice case?”
Dec nodded. “Yes. She wanted to tell him that I was going to testify, and in all likelihood if I did, the outcome would be foreseen. Her father, or the board—her father’s voice in these things—would get rid of him, and I would take his place.”
“You told her you wouldn’t do it,” Zoey said with certainty.
“Oh, I did, right after I toasted her on her latest achievement. She was furious. She told me she was going to tell her father what he wanted to hear, no matter what.”
“I can’t believe she still couldn’t see you.”
“I told her she could tell him anything she wanted, because I was moving out the next day. Filing for divorce.” Dec smiled wryly. “She told me I couldn’t do that. That I’d be nothing without everything she’d done for me. That all those rewards I’d been given all these years, I couldn’t live without.”
Zoey squeezed Dec’s hand. She couldn’t hate a dead woman, but she could dislike her an awful lot.
“I told her I’d have to find out, because the rewards, as she called them, weren’t worth it.”
“I’m glad,” Zoey said. “You deserve a great many things because of the amazing woman you are and not because of anything you have to earn.”
“We fought in the car,” Dec went on, needing to get it all out. “She was driving. She might’ve had a little more to drink than I realized when I got in the car with her too.” Dec shut out the sounds of the squealing brakes, the shouts, the twist of metal, and the wail of sirens that surged at the edges of her consciousness. “She lost control, and we crashed. You pretty much know the rest of it.”
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for what you went through with Annabelle, and I’m sorry that Annabelle’s dead. No one deserves that, but that’s not your fault. None of it is your fault.”
“Why does it feel that way?” Dec whispered.
“Because you are a good and decent person, because you take responsibility for yourself, and probably because you loved her at one time in one way, or you wouldn’t have married her.”
Zoey edged her chair around the corner of the table and cupped Dec’s face. Leaning close, she said, “It’s time you forgave yourself. You are not the same person who married her. You proved that the night you told her you were leaving. But the person who married her wasn’t at fault either. We can only learn from our mistakes and try to do better.” She laughed shakily. “Listen to me—I’m just figuring that out myself. I was so afraid that I might not be enough for you, I didn’t even try.”
“Not enough?” Dec grasped her shoulders, the intensity in her eyes so fierce Zoey shivered in her deepest reaches. “You’re so much more than I ever dreamed, Zoey. So much more than I deser—”
Zoey pressed her fingers to Dec’s lips. “Don’t say that. Never. You, Declan Black, have shown me I could be braver than I ever imagined I could be. That I matter for who I am. That’s a gift that you’ve given me. I love you for that and so much more.”
Dec’s eyes widened. “Zoey.”
