Brass and unity, p.1
Brass & Unity, page 1
Advance Praise for
BRASS & UNITY
“I have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by men and women who exude bravery. My Mom and Dad, my wife Ruvé, Buck Compton from Band of Brothers, and now Kelsi Sheren. This incredible book is about her gut-wrenching, emotional, and heroic time spent serving the country that she loves so much. Not often when you read a book do you start from the beginning, keep reading all the way to the end, and cry for more. This book is one of them. Ruvé and I are honored not just to know that we were chosen to help Kelsi tell her story on screen, but that we were chosen by God to be her friend. It is an honor to say the least. I’m so proud of what she has done as we all should be. I cannot wait to take the story to the screen so everyone can see it in person. It is a journey of sheer triumph. I know you will agree.”
—Neal McDonough, HBO’s Band of Brothers
“Kelsi is an inspiration to every little girl out there wondering if they can do it or not. Kelsi shows you there are no excuses or barriers and if you want it, go and get it. Her openness about her struggles should be read by men and women alike. Her work within our community is incredible and shows everyone what is possible. Just read the book!”
—Dean Stott, Double World Record Breaker, UK Special Forces, and TV Presenter
“An absolutely intriguing and compelling story of a journey throughout the many trials of womanhood and what it is to be a woman in a man’s world. With each new hurdle she teaches herself new methods of coping and in a fascinating way, brings to life that little voice we all have in our head. Kelsi’s story is one of determination, drive, and inspiration. She may be small but she is mighty!”
—Alana Stott, MBE, Author, CEO, and Producer
“Bravo Zulu on your book and the honesty and resiliency you have displayed throughout your life. You are a natural fighter whose path in life forced you to face the horrors of war at a young age. This was often done with courage and determination and for that you have my upmost respect. Soldiers who have faced combat are often brought to a dark place where tears, pain, and feelings of helplessness become a way of life. While no stranger to this, you were able to eventually overcome your demons while at the same time offer support to your brothers and sisters in arms as well as their families. I wish you great success as you continue your next chapter of life and advocate for those who are still dealing with their own demons.”
—Capt. Marc Leblond, RCA
“War isn’t what Hollywood shows you. It isn’t a personal triumph story where every soldier gets to overcome the enemy in a ‘dark night of the soul’ moment, kill the most people, return home to a parade, and live happily ever after. Most of what you’ve seen or read about war is a fictionalized truth. Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, people in search of meaning will inevitably follow this storied path to find their own sense of connection, meaning, and truth.
“I had the fortunate opportunity to meet Kelsi during the development of this book. After reading the initial draft along with fellow combat veterans, we came to the same conclusion: She didn’t represent herself to be anything she wasn’t. She did her very best to honor those alongside her. She grew through the cruel pain of war. She continues to help others.
“Now, don’t get me wrong. Kelsi is no angel. She’s one hundred lbs of spitfire with the energetic knob turned to eleven, then snapped off. Wildly imperfect—just like everyone on this planet. We all have a path. We all make mistakes. We all have the opportunity to get our shit together and carve a positive path in this world. I hope this book serves as an example of what you can do if you take the pain shoveled upon by life, then form it into beauty.”
—Griff, HMFIC, Combat Flip Flops, and Ranger <2>
“A true to fact illustration of the hidden injuries of war. Showing through personal experience that the issues of friendship, love, business, and war surprise the ultimate solution and that battle buddies aren’t just for battle.”
—Chris Watson, Royal Army Medical Corps and formally Black Watch 3 Scots
“Kelsi’s vulnerability in sharing her personal journey brought me to tears. By personifying PTSD and the voice of self-doubt, it made me relive my experiences while in combat and transported me back to Afghanistan; Kelsi’s story forced me to confront my personal baggage from the war and grow as a person.”
—Nicholas Ige, Ranger <2>
“If this book was a selection candidate, it would pass.”
—Marcus Capone, Founder, VETS, Inc., and former Navy SEAL
“Courage comes in all shapes and sizes. Many assume the hardest battles are fought in war. In my experience it is the battles you face after that can be the most challenging. This book captures them both.”
—Andy Stumpf, former Navy SEAL and Host of the Podcast Cleared Hot
“Kelsi Sheren is a veteran voice worth listening to. Too often war stories stop after the point of action and don’t invite the reader to feel the impacts of these experiences on the lives of veterans at home. Kelsi fearlessly lays out her own vulnerabilities throughout this book while also providing a captivating story along the way. For veterans, I hope this book shows that there are paths toward healing and enriching lives post-military. For everyone else, I hope this story helps bring understanding but also the universality of perseverance through trauma.”
—Jesse Gould, former Army Ranger and Founder of Heroic Hearts Project
“An honest, raw account of combat and the hard cold realities of being a female serving on the modern battlefield. Her prose gives an inside look at not only war itself, but the war of one’s self and the true cost of combat on the human mind.”
—Brian Bishop, OIF/OEF Veteran and Host of the Lone Element Podcast
“Having been on deployment with Kelsi, this book took me right back to those battles that I had locked away in the far corners of my mind. She was courageous on the battlefield, moving straight toward the gunfire without hesitation, and she is a beacon of light now, fighting for those who bear the mental scars of war.”
—Daniel Venter, Royal Artillery (FISTer)
“This book immerses the reader into the high-tempo, fast-paced operations encountered by the military in Afghanistan from the author’s perspective on and off the battlefield, with the biggest battle of all so many face when they come home—the struggle of posttraumatic stress disorder from the despair and chaos to the small triumphs against this hidden killer. No matter the battle, you’re never out of the fight. No one gets left behind.”
—Craig Hardie, Combat Medic and 3 Scots Battlegroup
“Truth is in the eye of the beholder and that truth can be overwhelmingly exhilarating and powerful. Kelsi’s truth took her into the darkest of places and spat her out the other side. In 2009 when Mouth—Kelsi—joined my Platoon, she was smaller than her Bergan yet heard from afar. A fucking nightmare to control but a warrior under fire and completely resolute in adversity. Her bravery under fire, physically in Afghan and mentally within herself, is inspirational. This book proves that. Grab a tissue, sit up straight, hold on, and prepare for a gut-wrenching truth from the battlefields of Afghanistan and from deep with Kelsi’s soul!”
—Stevie, Pl Sgt, 3 SCOTS Battlegroup
“The collapse of the Afghan government was a turning point in our lives. Suddenly, like millions of Afghans, we lost everything behind. What was happening next? No one could expect different than fear, suppression, and worry. I was thinking of my family, particularly my wife, who worked for women’s empowerment and had no safe hiding place. Finally, Kelsi, an angel, came for our help; she tirelessly worked to ensure my family safely evacuated Afghanistan. At one time, while I was so stressed, she messaged me, ‘I’m never leaving u behind’ and finally, she completed her promise. It is so merciful to have my wife and son living with me in a secure environment with equal rights and freedom.”
—Enayat Nasir
“No soldier can be fully prepared for the reality of combat. Training helps, with units spending more time preparing for a deployment than they do ‘on the ground.’ Camaraderie and ‘brotherhood’ are also vital: knowing who you will be fighting alongside as well you know yourself. And knowing that you will kill and die for each other. Kelsi was not afforded either of these things. Thrown into a role that she had not been trained for, and assigned to a unit from the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, Kelsi had to hit the ground running, and Afghanistan is not a forgiving time or place. Particularly in the summer of 2009.
“Like many others, Kelsi didn’t come through the experience without scars, but she has turned her pain into fuel to help others. This is one of the most unique stories to emerge from the war, and serves as a reminder that all soldiers—no matter their trade—should be ready for anything.”
—Geraint Jones, Author and Veteran
A KNOX PRESS BOOK
An Imprint of Permuted Press
Brass & Unity:
One Woman’s Journey through the Hell of Afghanistan and Back
© 2023 by Kelsi Sheren
All Rights Reserved
ISBN: 978-1-63758-891-8
ISBN (eBook): 978-1-63758-892-5
Cover art by Conroy Accord
Cover photo by Krupto Strategic
Section drawings by Vanessa Sheren
Interior design and composition by Greg Johnson, Textbook Perfect
Names in this book have been changed to protect the identit ies of those who wish to stay anonymous. This book has been written with consults from members of the British, American, and Canadian armed forces, with the best recollection of all events. Written with respect, care, and kindness.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.
Permuted Press, LLC
New York • Nashville
permutedpress.com
Published in the United States of America
To those with whom I’ve served in the darkest times so that others may live. I’m grateful for you all.
To my partner in all things and better half, Roo—without you none of this would be possible. To our beautiful curly-headed explorer of all things dirty and sticky. I’m forever grateful for you bringing me into the light and showing me what it truly means to live and love.
Until Valhalla.
To the people whom I’ve met and worked with on this project over time: I’m grateful to you for your patience, kindness, empathy, and understanding. I am aware that, over the past four years, this hasn’t been an easy process of which to be a part of, and those who have stuck it out have helped me to achieve a dream of becoming an author and helping my community. I’ll never stop holding space for you in my heart. I hope you all know who you are.
To Neal and Ruvé McDonough: You’ll never fully understand the love I feel for you and your family. Your big, beautiful family has welcomed me with open arms from the moment we met at our first Fire Career Rep 24-hour row-a-thon. You’ve continued to move mountains for me, and our next chapter together will be bigger and brighter. I thank you for taking a chance on me the way you both have.
Tali, you stood by with patience and kindness and helped me walk through the last four years of this process. I am grateful to you for this.
My parents and family, this goes without saying. I love you and thank you for the patience and grace you’ve given me throughout this journey to heal.
To the soldiers I served alongside, those of you I keep in contact with—Canadian, American, British, and Australian: I love you deeply, I’ll never forget anything you’ve ever done for me. You all know who you are, some of you are mentioned in this book and others have had your name changed to protect your identity. Thank you guys so, so much.
Dr. Greg Passey, there are not enough words or pages in this world to thank you enough for the man you are, and more importantly, the doctor you are. Your integrity as a doctor is unlike anything I’ve ever seen or heard of. You save lives daily. You deal with the Department of Veterans Affairs’ BS like a champion and have kept me moving and growing and answered the phone no matter the time. You, sir, are one of the greatest gifts the military has ever seen, and to any person who has the chance to be your patient. Thank you now and thank you later, because I know you’re my doctor for life. I owe you, sir.
Jack, my son. One day you’ll be old enough to read this and talk to me about it; I promise to be open and honest with you about everything and answer any questions you have. I love you, my son, you are the greatest gift and the BEST thing I’ve ever done in my lifetime. Thank you for choosing me as your mother; I only hope I can make you proud one day. I love you.
To my unwavering, strong, brilliant husband. I owe this all to you and your compassion, your patience, and your belief that I could do anything I wanted in this world. You really have made me believe I can achieve it all, and now I plan to because of you. Your strength is the reason I still stand today, I love you forever and always, Roo.
Contents
Foreword
Author’s Note
Prologue: Numb
PART 1:BRASS
Chapter One: The Start, the French
Chapter Two: Training
Chapter Three: Weapons Handling
Chapter Four: Posted
Chapter Five: Sink or Swim
Chapter Six: Home, Sweet Home
Chapter Seven: Afghanistan
Chapter Eight: FOB Ramrod
Chapter Nine: Invisible Enemy
Chapter Ten: “Borrowed”
Chapter Eleven: The Op
Chapter Twelve: Post Op
PART 2:UNITY
Chapter Thirteen: All the Meds
Chapter Fourteen: Cracked
Chapter Fifteen: Released
Chapter Sixteen: Civilian
Chapter Seventeen: Roo
Chapter Eighteen: Restart
Chapter Nineteen: An Invisible Injury
Chapter Twenty: Stuck
Chapter Twenty-One: The Beginning
Chapter Twenty-Two: Finding Meaning
Chapter Twenty-Three: Stress, Stress, Stress
Chapter Twenty-Four: The New People
Chapter Twenty-Five: A New Chapter
Chapter Twenty-Six: Healing
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Closure
Postscript: About the Veteran Crisis
Appendix: Coping Tips
Acknowledgments
Foreword
Courage has many meanings for many people. For our serving military personnel and my fellow Veterans, it took courage to join the military. It takes courage to leave our loved ones behind, to miss birthdays, special occasions, holidays, and sometimes the birth of our children while serving our country in the pursuit of our foundational beliefs. It takes courage to serve overseas, to deal with war, the loss of our comrades, and then to return home to struggle with our injuries, wounds, losses, and memories. It especially takes courage to battle out of the darkness and stigma that Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) casts on every aspect of a person’s life. Kelsi has done all that her country and fellow Veterans have asked of her and so much more. Many have lost their way upon their return home and have succumbed to suicide; she managed to persevere.
Kelsi’s story has taken courage to survive but even more so to tell. She has detailed the day and night struggles that she and everyone suffering from PTSD (no matter what the cause) must endure in order to survive. She has given a dark voice to the terrible brain injury that is called PTSD. It is a story of courage, strength, honor, pain, distrust, and trust, coupled with unbreakable military bonds that last a lifetime. It is a powerful and emotional story of not only surviving the dark morass of PTSD but also clawing her way out of that black hole to actually be able to live again, to be able to feel happiness, to love, to establish new friendships, a cherished family, and a life with meaning.
We lose Veterans to suicide every day—many of whom are never recognized as casualties of their military service. These are our Unknown Fallen. It has been my distinct honor to share my time, expertise, and experiences with Kelsi since 2011. Her book is an absolute must read for anyone trying to understand PTSD, cope with it, or whom want to try to make a difference and perhaps prevent more unnecessary suicides.
—Dr. Greg Passey
BSc, MD, CD1, FRCPC
Psychiatrist
LCdr (retired)
Author’s Note
This book is for my friends and fellow veterans who’ve lost their lives to PTS and for all of those vets who served overseas and did not fully come back. I’ve written this book to try to shed some light on the battle that I still fight today with PTS, in the hopes that my story might help save a life.
This book is also intended to educate those who might not understand what it’s like to be a soldier and what we endure during a deployment. I want you to know what we see when we’re over there and how we feel when we get home.
The truth is, all combat soldiers leave a part of themselves—or all of themselves—in a place where the dirt cuts like razors, the water doesn’t flow freely, animals run wild, and the next step we take might be our last.
I want regular civilians to understand what it’s like to suffer from PTSD so that they might relate to someone who is currently in the throes of it. Our veteran and first responder communities are suffering every single day with PTSD, and I want average people to know what it’s like for us, not being able to go out into the general public due to this crippling disorder.
